We loves ourselves some us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Firefighters had to be called because a man caught his penis in a toaster; he’s not welcomed back at Target anytime soon either.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was embarrassed when he tried to light the Olympic torch, but a gust of wind blew it out; how ironic is that? Putin can’t stand flamers.

Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner are splitting up; no word on who gets custody of the plastic surgeon.

Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner are splitting up; a broken marriage can be hard on a post-menopausal woman who’s had a lot of work done. And besides Bruce, it will be hard on Kris too.

In London, firefighters had to be called because a man caught his penis in a toaster; trying to have sex with a toaster is so weird. The coffee maker, sure, but not the toaster.

A report claims singer Sheryl Crow witnessed her then-boyfriend, Lance Armstrong, doping and, after they broke up, told federal prosecutors. Apparently she couldn’t wait to break his ball.

Starbucks now has a combination donut and a muffin called a doffin. How fat and lazy have we become when we can’t choose between either a donut or a muffin?

Starbucks now has a combination donut and a muffin called a doffin. This is the perfect food for a Slobglutton.

Did you hear OJ Simpson has gained 100 pounds in prison? Turns out there is a reason: OJ got the lead role in the prison’s theater production of “Big Mama’s House.”

Since you asked:

Time to clean out the man-cave. We have some serious man-cavia to crush tonicht. Dahhhh Bearsssssssssssssssssss. Going to rock that man-cave like Speaker Boehner is rocking that Seventies-old-guys-trying-to-look-hip haircut.