Wednesday, February 27, 2013

See the difference? 

We confess to the mess all up in this hizzy bizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Honey Boo Boo” has become a big hit in Europe. Oh, that’s great news, because the Europeans didn’t look down at Americans as fat idiots enough.

Ryan Seacrest interviewed the actresses at the Oscar by asking them who made their gowns. Yeah, that should stop all the gay rumors.

Remember Notre Dame linebacker, Mante Te’o? At the NFL combine, he ran a pedestrianly slow 4.81 40-yard-dash. Apparently he isn’t as fast when he isn’t being timed by his imaginary girlfriend.

Rumors now have it that Kristen Stewart was a little tipsy at the Oscars. She was trying to act sober, but that didn’t work because, well, she can’t act.

The Razzies are out and Kristen Stewart won for worst actress; “Wow, that is so surprising because Kristen is so friendly, upbeat and happy,” said nobody.

Kris Jenner is on the cover of “US Weekly” and the headline is “My Mistakes as a Mom.” Kris really only made four mistakes. They are Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Bruce Jenner.

 Since you asked:

Lex, why so hard on the young Kristen Stewart?

Why? Because Jennifer Lawrence, that’s why. Jennifer Lawrence is enjoying winning the actor’s lottery, Kristen Stewart is a little spoiled goth brat who looks like she is babysitting against her will.

Jennifer Lawrence knows she is beautiful and talented, she just doesn’t take it – or herself – too seriously. Kristen Stewart looks like she is pissed off about being famous.

There was this fairly pretty, ok, really pretty, girl I knew in college at Long Beach who I was attracted to, like everybody else, until I got to know her.

She was such a megalomaniac, so self-absorbed, so paranoid because she thought everyone else was as absorbed with her too, that she was actually angry about being too good looking. She constantly complained to anyone who would listen about the intense pressure that comes with being so gorgeous.

Somebody needs to sit Kristen Stewart down and force her to see the part of “Notting Hill” where Julia Roberts’s character talks about the day when they figure out she can’t act and then, years from now, she will kind of resemble someone who was famous when they were younger and prettier. (Pathetic excuse to win a brownie) 

For Jennifer Lawrence I hope and believe that time will never come. 

For Kristen Stewart it came last week.

Can we please put an end to the most inane argument of all time?

You cannot compare athletes of different eras to each other. Period. 

Even if you had a time machine and could put a 25-year-old LeBron against a 25-year-old Michael, it wouldn't be fair. 

You cannot compare a 30-year-old Babe Ruth, a whore, whisky and hot dog mongering slob, to a 30-year-old, psycho, 'roided-out Barry Bonds. 

Improvements in diet, training, technique, technology, equipment, psychology, renders this point moot, moot, moot. (Yes, I like to say the word Moot)  

You can't take away from a Walter Payton, or a Jerry Rice or a Roger Craig the advantage they had because they broke through due to being the first to train hard all year round. Now everybody does it. Does that mean Jerry Rice wouldn't be as great now? 

Nobody knows.

In the Decathlon, Bill Toomey went from a skinny 400 runner to a world record Decathlete by taking steroids. Yet, somehow, his treachery does not seem nearly as bad as Bruce Jenner who did the same thing, but eight years later. By1976 we knew steroids was cheating, and so did Jenner. 1968's Toomey not as much. 

You can only compare athletes to the athletes of their era. Using that measurement, Jackie Robinson, Jesse Owens, Pele, Joe Montana, Jim Brown, Dick Butkus, Gail Sayers, Babe Ruth, Jim Thorpe, Hobey Baker (Google/Wikipedia his preppy ass) Mickey Mantle, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Ted Williams all stick out as men among boys. 

Another factor you have to consider is how chummy is the sport an athlete is sticking out? I'm sure some guy named Lars from Austria was an amazing-ass ski jumper. How many ski jumpers are there at one time? How would he do in a wildly competitive sport - in terms of participants - like soccer?  

Edwin Moses falls into that category. He simply owned the 400 meter hurdles practically his whole life. He owned it so much, you had to wonder how many people decided not to participate in that event. The result? Watered-down competition.

Has Tiger Woods fallen far back, or has training and diet he pioneered in golf, caused the field to catch up to him? We'll never know. Both, probably. 

One thing I do think: Drew Brees is underrated as an amazing athlete. At just-under six feet tall, he can dunk. Great golfer. Amazingly accurate thrower. The fact that Brees is merely considered a really good quarterback just shows how insanely difficult it is to play quarterback in the NFL. 

The other inane debate I wish was out of the equation is what connotes a real sport with real athletes? If you can drink alcohol while doing it, it is not a sport, it is a game. 

Sorry Curling. Sorry fishing. Sorry Chess. 

Tiger Woods is an amazing athlete. The guy at the country club isn't. The winner of the PBA is an athlete. The folks in the bowling league-night are not. Jimmy Johnson is a great athlete. A guy driving his car too fast isn't.