They best not try and bring that weak-ass poop-scoop up in this here humpy-bumpy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sequestration continues to be the big topic. Don’t confuse sequestration with a Ryan Seacrestation. A Seacrestation is the inability to give a contestant a straight answer.

A German longevity study claims 72 is the new 30; if that is true, suddenly Jack Nicholson hitting on Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscar party isn’t nearly as creepy.

The Oscars show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before the show was over.

The Oscars show was so long, during the broadcast, retired Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis, stabbed somebody out of boredom.

You know who turned 50 this month? Michael Jordan. You can tell Michael is getting older. He trash talks his opponents in shuffle board.

Chicago Cubs fans are cautious. They are hoping for a season that at least goes better than the Carnival Triumph Cruise Ship. That is how low the Cubs’ bar is. As long as they don’t drift aimlessly with sewage spilling everywhere, it will be a good season.

Since you asked:

It has come to this. The curse I gave myself has to be lifted. It has gotten seriously bad. What curse? The curse I gave myself when I said one of my super powers is the ability to have some helmet-head oxygen-thieving tool with nothing else to do but stand in front of whatever it is I need to get at the grocery store. Does matter not how obscure the item, how remote the location or how un-crowded the store, there will be a nob-head standing right in front of whatever it is I need. Often while on their cell phone.

“Huh? Wha? Huh? Is there a difference between fat free and non-fat? Huh? Wha?”

SHUT UP AND MOVE, YOU STUPID SON-OF-A-BITCH.

And one more thing.

Because I shop European style and pick up what I want for dinner that night, I don’t ever need a shopping cart, just a hand basket.  But how is it the people who do use carts - especially those mobile-monuments-to-white-trash that are the carts with the plastic car in front for their evil spawn –  how is it possible for them to get the cart sideways and block an entire aisle?

How do they, A, block an entire aisle? B, not know they are blocking an entire aisle? C, not care they are blocking an entire aisle? D, get all huffy and pissed off when they have to move out of the way to let you pass?