Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Did you see Trump's letter to Comey?

Dear Guy Who Is Not Investigating Me:

Thanks for not investigating me three times. Oh. You're fired.


The Guy You're Not Investigating.

P.S. You're not investigating me, right? Good. But you're still fired.

A linesman at a Scottish soccer match received a joke red-card after he got sick to his stomach. The linesman was fine until his mind wandered to a San Francisco Giants game, then he became violently ill.

Spirit Airlines passengers started a riot at Fort Lauderdale airport when Spirit cancelled 11 flights. You know things are awful when United starts to look like the most professional airline. 

Since you asked:

An airline that provides fair prices and outstanding personal service will rise from the ashes to offset the disease of greed and rudeness started by Spirit Airlines and that has infected all the other airlines like an Ebola wildfire.  

The Friday afternoon I was in a line with 50 people at Blockbuster when three of the four cashier/clerks all took a break with the blessing of the manager, that is when I knew Blockbuster was through. Somewhere in Northern California, Reed Hastings was in that same kind of line and he founded Netflix.

When I got a brand new BluRay player of course the first DVD I rented from Blockbuster was broken and blank. However the Blockbuster clerk with the dragon neck tattoo informed me, when I returned it, that I was not smart enough to understand that my brand new DVD BluRay player was defective. (He was wrong and I got so furious, to calm me down, the manager actually credited me with about five movies. Pretty sure that is why Blockbuster went bankrupt) 

Spirit Airlines would have never dragged a passenger off a plane because they would not care about an overbooked seat. Spirit routinely cancels flights if they are not profitable enough by lamely claiming a safety inspection or an ill pilot. Spirit does not stop at not caring about people, Spirit intensely dislikes their passengers. It is a genuinely adversarial relationship. The passengers are trying to rip-off  Spirit and Spirit wants to rip them off.  Spirit feels most of their passengers are dull-witted cattle who just want the cheapest flight. 

And it is hard to argue with this attitude. Recently I was on a train in San Diego coming from a Padres game when the announcement asked passengers not to put their feet on the seat in front of them for obvious hygienic reasons. The guy in front of me used this reminder to put his feet on the chair in front of him. 

Every day on Twitter we see pictures of people rubbing their smelly bare feet on a plane and being kicked off for not dressing appropriately. It is not just the airlines. A lot of the passengers truly, genuinely and essentially suck. 

Somebody should stock an airplane with starving comedians who can practice their jokes when reading the safety rules. 

We Chicago Cubs fans lost a lot of good things to lose when the Cubs won the World Series. We lost the lovable losers title. We lost the Billy Goat Curse. We lost the black cat curse and the nightmare that was the end of the 1969 season. We lost the choking against the Padres in '84. We lost 108 years of losing. 

We also lost the right to complain about anything Cubs related for at least one year. If, for every game for the rest of the year, the Cubs come out and play in the dirt with a bucket and shovel and lose each game by 25 runs, we cannot complain. 

Dear Jimmy Fallon:

Big fan of your immense talent. But your monologues suck harder than a Trenton crack whore. 

You want more of a political edge? Hire me and fire, oh, some little weasel douchebag.



Nobody thinks they're a douchebag and yet we have never had so many douchebags. If you text or talk on your hand-held cell phone when you drive, you're a selfish douchebag. 

Let's make money off of all the douchebags who do not think they're a douchebag.  It will wake them up to the fact they are douchebags and we will get something out of it. 

Why are we not fining people $1,000 for being on their cell phone when driving? We have proof it is as dangerous as driving drunk.