Monday, November 27, 2006

"Esquire" has an informative (except for #2 which is just a steaming plate of wrong) feature for men called; “12 Things You Don’t Know About Women”, this time by hot MILF babe Dana Delaney.

In fairness, women, here are the 12 of the many things you don’t know about men:

* Men fall asleep after they have an ejaculation. Period. We may fight it for a while if we are trying to impress you, but we will lose that battle. That is why Internet sex doesn’t work for many guys. They get tired of waking up with keyboard marks on their face.

*With two exceptions I know, we know that women really don’t know care about sports on TV. If you try and fake it we will catch you.

*When we are driving alone, we ask for directions when we are lost. We just don’t ask when you are in the car. It’s just to make you mad.

*The toilet seat being down? We don’t care. Really. Never have.

*If a guy is a great dresser, really handsome and can dance up a storm, he is gay. Don’t even think about throwing Emmitt Smith at me. The man wore a sleeveless shirt with a ribbon tied around his arm in public. Enough said.

*You know those adorably cute and decorative pillows on the bed? We despise them. If a guy does like pillows, he is gay.

*We like lavender and no it doesn’t make us gay.

*It almost kills us when you touch the remote. You suck at using the remote. That station you keep looking at? It's in Japanese. It is going to stay in Japanese. Change the freakin’ channel.

*We like chick flicks. And again, no, it does not make us gay.

*Do you really want to know what we are thinking? OK, here goes: we are really thinking how much we wish we could get a job earning $500,000 a year for receiving oral sex from beautiful female bikini models. Or for eating cheeseburgers, drinking beer and then taking a nap. Hey, you wanted to know.

*You know why men don’t get upset over those impossibly sexist beer commercials that depict men as mouth-breathing morons who will stop at nothing to get one beer? Because there are a lot of guys out there who are mouth-breathing morons who would do anything for one beer. And we are probably one of them.

*We don’t care how good the movie is, if it has two guys kissing and or having sex, we are out. Conversely, we don't care how bad the movie is, if it has two women kissing and or having sex, we are in.

*Yes we think she is attractive, especially because of her big boobs and, yes, we want to have sex with her. Hell, we even want to have sex with her ugly friend.

*Deep down we know that if you say you don't want to be with a woman you really don't want to be with a woman, but we absolutely refuse to admit that to ourselves. Sorry, but you have to give us this one. Don't ask why, it is just vital. And this is number fourteen which proves we also can’t count.

Slats and Nugs, let me know if you feel there are any major ommisions, deletions, additions, subtractions - but no long divisions - to this.