Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You cain’t say yes and you cain’t say no, just be right there when the whistle blows, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(From the Rolling Stones “All Down the Line” Possibly the single greatest road trip song)

High and dry
New York City is experiencing a drought. To show you how bad it is, Donald Trump is only allowed to water down his toupee once a week.

New York City is experiencing a drought. To show how dry it is, Donald Trump’s toupee has been declared a fire hazard.

Oldie but a goodie
It’s fashion week in New York City. You can tell, the cab drivers are wearing their Armani turbans.

Michael Jackson wants to make his image more manly and less creepy. Michael plans to pump more weights and less boys.

No way
Los Angeles had a blackout yesterday. It was wild, no TV’s, no video games, no computers. There was even one unverified report of a guy in Los Angeles picking up and reading a book.

Late arrival
Barry Bonds came back in the San Francisco Giants 4-3 over the San Diego Padres after missing nearly all of the season. Bonds was so late to return he was named an honorary head of FEMA.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
It was awkward when President Bush was told that John Roberts told Congress he had no agenda. Bush replied, “That’s fine, I don’t like them hybrid Agenda cars no how.”

When did this happen?
Fox has a new show starring another beautiful woman forensic expert called “Bones.” Between all the hot women in the CSI shows, when did all female crime scene investigators become gorgeous? Are stunning women really saying, “Screw modeling, I want to examine dead people”?

Name game
Pauly Shore is starring in a show on TBS called “Minding the Store.” It’s called that because NBC was already using the name “The Biggest Loser.”

A gamer
President Bush has repeatedly said he won’t play the Blame game. He does, however, like a rousing hand or two of Go Fish.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it II
During his senate hearing, John Roberts repeatedly dodged the abortion case of Roe vs. Wade. It was awkward, when informed that Roberts dodged Roe vs. Wade, President Bush said; “Look, we are doing all we can for those evacuees so they don’t have to row or wade through the water.”

Since you asked:
Yes, I did get snubbed by the NFL draft. True, I was not appointed Pope, for reasons that are still not clear, but, to be candid, now I ain’t so sorry I wasn’t selected for the Supreme Court.

Sure, when I heard you didn’t have to be a lawyer to sit on the highest court, I got a little excited. But then I started envisioning my senate panel grilling. That would have been the shortest senate hearing in history.

Senator Frumpus:
“OK, Mr. Kaseberg, we have some sworn statements here from a Long Beach State dorm roommate, a UC Santa Barbara apartment roommate and, oh, a bunch of former UC Santa Barbara sorority girls not to mention the women you, uh, shall we say “dated” in New York, La Jolla, Chicago and San Diego including two from one memorable weekend in Petoskey, Michigan that ended with the security crew being called to the pool at the Boyne Mountain resort. Plus a rather colorful cavalcade of cocktail waitresses and female bartenders from coast to Las Vegas to coast. And last, but not least, testimony from two Federales from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.”

“OK, yeah, know what? I’m good. (Getg up and slowly back away) Thanks anyway. On second thought, a job for life doesn’t sound that great. Really. Later daters, Senatators. Heh, heh. Hey, Ted Kennedy, you’re a Mensch, but don’t need a ride, babe. I’ll walk. Just gonna go ahead and adios the dishes along with the ol’ Lex man here.”

(Turn and sprint out of the Senate conference hall)