Monday, September 12, 2005

Oh, I see, you want me to bring it? Well, consider it brought, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Drastic times call for drastic measures
Hurricane Ophelia is creeping back to the east coast. To give you an idea how serious it is: if Ophelia gets any closer, President Bush will have to go back on vacation.

Or something like that
FEMA head Mike Brown has been sent back to Washington. It looks like FEMA is going to stand for Fire Everyone’s Miserable Ass.

Not nice
The demoted head of FEMA, Mike Brown resigned. I thought it was kind of cruel how they told him. President Bush sent him a memo that said; “If you’re Brown, don’t stick around.”

Fast Times at Canton High
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. If a guy there can’t get a date to that prom, he really is a loser.

At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. You know what they call a virgin at that high school? Ugly.

Roger's big weekend
Roger Federer defeated Andre Agassi to win the US Open in tennis. It was a big weekend for Federer, he also won the “If Quinten Tarantino was on steroids” look-alike contest.

Doesn’t mean much
After taking over for FEMA, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said; "Michael Brown has done everything he possibly could.” Yeah? Well my dog Wrigley also did everything he possibly could, but it turns out that wasn’t very much either.

Part of a theme
President Bush is headed back to New Orleans for his third visit; it’s all part of his “Keep the press off of Iraq” tour.

What could they do?
An MSNBC news report showed two female New Orleans police officers leisurely looting a shopping cart full of shoes from Wal Mart. Sure, they were violating their sworn duty as police officers, but if they passed on a great shoe deal they’d be violating their sworn duty as women.

My boy, Johnny
In an emotional win, the New Orleans Saints beat the Carolina Panthers with a last second 48 yard field goal by John Carney. The folks in New Orleans were almost as happy to see that ball travel through the uprights as they were to see FEMA head Mike Brown travel back to Washington.

Since you asked:
As my 85 month old daughter, (7 years, one month and nine days) Ann Caroline sat happily chomping on her waffles this morning, my wife, Virginia, mentioned a wedding we were planning to attend saying we should respond soon. Ann Caroline then piped in:

“Yes, it’s very important to R.S.P. P.”

Kasey and Wrigley update:

For some reason, our crazy houndoggy-looking Labrador with no sense, Wrigley, has turned into a master fetcher. Poor ol’ Kasey hardly stands a chance anymore although, from time to time, Wrigley will throw her a bone, so-to-speak.

Wrigley has also turned into a serial butt-getting-scratched dog. He doesn’t take no for an answer. He will push is big-ol-jowly snout and head under your hand and then walk forward until your hand reaches his butt. Then he arches his head up in a “Well? I’m waiting” stance.

Kasey, the worried-look-of-concerned honey bear is a shameless serial get-her-tummy-rubbed dog. Kasey will do that “Oh, aren’t I cute? Please pet me” grovel but after a split second of head or ear petting, she flops over onto her stomach for a tummy rub. It is the dog version of bait and switch.

How did my Fantasy team do?

Thanks for asking. My boys dead-solid went OFF. My QB Drew “Cool” Brees had a solid game, my receiver Jimmy Smith “and Wesson” went nuts, both running backs, “Orange” Julius Jones and “Whatchyoutalkinbout?” Willis McGahee had good solid games and my kicker, my Frogs-in-Solana-Beach old workout buddy, John “Chili Con” Carney, was a total hero.

Not to get greedy, but at the last minute I started Jerry “Pullman” Porter instead of Keenan “Ivory Wayans” McCardell. Would have had 19 more points. As it was I had 84. Hell, thanks to Keenan, my bench scored 34 and I had two guys, Antonio “Heaven’s” Gates and Armani “It’s not a” Toomer who didn’t play. Check that. Toomer played, he didn’t get a ball.

Next week do I go with McCardell over Gates? Ouch.