Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Oh, dog, you’re my boy. Or is it, oh boy, you’re my dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ahh, sweet memories
It’s the only time of year when it’s great to be a grown up: back to school time. I’ll never forget what that one teacher said to me on the first day of school: “Alex, go back home and put on some pants.”

The memories of the first school days come flooding back this time of year. Recess, study halls, brown bag lunches, passing notes, giving the school bully a carton of Marlboros so he wouldn’t make me his bitch.

Not to worry
In New Orleans a man had to be rescued by the police after he padlocked himself into his house and lost the key. But don’t worry, President Bush turned out to be just fine.

Excess baggage
Britney Spears has put on 51 pounds during her pregnancy, while the average person puts on 28-40 pounds. Experts say Britney will have a big problem getting rid of all of her useless extra weight. Not her fat, she’ll lose that fine. No, Kevin Federline never signed a prenupt.

How did that happen?
It was reported today that Martha Stewart was Donald Trump’s third choice to star in the new version of “The Apprentice.” The first two choices somehow ended up with shiv knife wounds.

Los Angeles is still recovering from yesterday’s blackout. It was a scary time, without electricity drivers weren’t able to tell when to run the yellow lights.

Los Angeles is still recovering from yesterday’s blackout. There was actually looting in Beverley Hills. Well, not exactly looting, but there were reports of people stiffing the Valet attendants.

I’m not sure some of those Beverley Hills kids even understood the blackout. When told he couldn’t play video games or watch TV without electricity, one boy said; “Just great, I guess now I have nothing else to do but to go research my homework on the Internet.”

Proud Mom, Papa and Pup
Model Heidi Klum and Seal had a baby. The baby is healthy, doing fine and should be able to move from mother’s milk to small fish in no time.

Supermodel Heidi Klum and Seal had a baby boy. The baby is doing fine and nursing on Mommy, so, in just one day, that child has officially become the luckiest little bastard on the face of the earth.

Easy, Martha
Martha Stewart launched her new morning show this week and her guest was Elmo from “Sesame Street.” You could tell Martha was a little tense, especially that time Martha pulled her shiv and yelled to Elmo, “Back off, you red plush carpet dork, or I’ll stick you.”

Since you asked:
It is my pleasure to welcome another in a proud and long line of big-shot celebrity readers from Winnetka, Illinois here as a regular reader at a.L.b.B. Yes, give a big A.l.B.b. welcome to none other than my long time good friend Robert “Good Rob” Apatoff.

It was apparent to anyone with any sense at all, and also even to me, that Rob was destined for greatness when he showed up for our eighth grade basketball game clad in a bathrobe and dapperly holding a walking cane, no less. A sense of style like that one can only be born with, excuse my preposition.

But Rob’s charm, good looks, charisma and bright future were apparent to all for eternity when he starred ( or was it stared?) in the title role of the famous independent film by none other than legendary director, Jim “No, not that James Woods” Woods, the great epic “Dirty Apples.”

Welcome, Dirty Apts. Oh, and Cino formal wear called and said something about needing their tux bag back? It didn’t make any sense to me either.

(Polite golf-like applause)