It turns out the dog wounded in the Syrian raid is female. (She is going to be fine) 

But make no mistake about it, between her and Donald Trump, he is the one that is a bitch.









The latest dating trend is a remote-controlled vaginally-inserted vibrator.

So I'm guessing opening the car door for a woman isn't the dating slam-dunk move it used to be?









The latest dating trend is a remote-controlled vaginally-inserted vibrator.

Not to sound old, but when I was single, it was springing for dessert.









Kanye West's new album is "Jesus is King." 

A Christian rap album from a rich guy makes the perfect Christmas gift for the people on your list whom you hate.








A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

When it comes to future snorkeling vacations, I'm guessing he is going to skip them.







Keep in mind that when you're skipping through the Facebook "People You May Know" friend suggestions muttering, "Oh hell to the hell no," they're probably doing the same thing to you.








How come we haven't heard from the whistle blower? Could it be a dog whistle blower? (Asking for a friend)










A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

The man is planning to sue the country of Australia, but legal experts say his case does not have a leg to stand on.







A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

On the bright side, when it comes to winning the title for Worst Australian Vacation, he is a shoe-in.









A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

The British tourist is going to be OK, but the shark has a nasty case of athlete's mouth.










A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

When asked why the shark attacked him, he was stumped. 

(Tip your waitresses)








A British tourist snorkeling in Australia was attacked by a shark and lost his foot.

Needless to say he was (wait for it) hopping mad.












Kanye West new album is titled, "Jesus is King."

Somebody is off their meds again.









Donald Trump's Sunday:

9:00 AM. Announce killing of ISIS head.

9:05 AM. Lie about raid's details.

9:10 AM. Lie about writing in 2000 Osama bin Laden should be killed. 

9:00 PM. Get booed at the World Series with chants of "Lock him up." 

9:10 PM. Lie about being booed.








Kanye West's new album is titled, "Jesus is King." 

"Listen, leave me the hell out of this," said Jesus.









At the World Series, two Instagram models were banned from baseball games for life for flashing their breasts behind home plate. 

Donald Trump issued both of them an immediate Presidential pardon.









In Florida, a man was arrested for attempting to have sex with a stuffed animal in a Target. 

That story again, even in Florida, it is illegal to have sex with a stuffed animal in a crowded store.








Halloween is Thursday. If you still do not have a costume, you cannot go wrong dressing as a slutty Mike Pence.








In Florida, a man was arrested for attempting to have sex in a Target with an Olaf snowman doll from "Frozen." 

"So customers are not supposed to do that?" Asked Walmart.








In Florida, a man was arrested for attempting to have sex in a Target with a stuffed Olaf doll from "Frozen." 

In his defense, it was the new Halloween edition "Slutty" Olaf.







At the World Series, Donald Trump was booed followed by "Lock him up," chants.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea for Trump to go on the "Human Scum and Snowflakes Get In Free" promotion night.








Kanye West's new album is "Jesus is King." 

"Wow, a Christian rap album from a rich guy, what a great idea," said absolutely nobody.





Due to the brush fires, UCLA cancelled classes today. USC also cancelled classes, but this was due to a sharp drop-off in the number of tuition bribes.








At the World Series, Donald Trump was stood up by the National's owner, booed loudly, followed by "Lock him up," chants.

It's the most humiliating thing that could happen to someone at a baseball game besides playing for the Baltimore Orioles.







On "Ellen," Jennifer Anniston gave Ellen DeGeneres a long kiss. 

It is all part of Jennifer promoting her next project: "Friends . . . With Benefits."





Since you asked:


The special forces attack on ISIS reminded me of a story. 

A friend of mine was Commander of Seal Team One in Coronado. They desperately needed a transport vehicle, but the Navy cut the funds. So at midnight, the Seals scaled the barb wire fence of a Navy vehicle junk yard, rigged a hoist to remove working engines from other vehicles and assembled a working transport out of spare parts for free by dawn and drove away.

These men are different species than am I.

Another story.

My buddy Steve “Jooch” Malone and I were walking on the Upper East Side one early Fall evening just south of Central Park circa 1984 after a touch football game when we came upon a film set. (This is a common occurrence in Manhattan) But this was not a TV show or a movie, it was a set for a Japanese car commercial starring Paul Newman. 

We were told by an assistant Mr. Newman would be emerging from his trailer to film the commercial in a few minutes. As I am a big fan, I talked “Jooch” into waiting. Sure enough, out emerges Blue Eyes himself in a dark blue suit. He spotted me holding a football and yelled to nobody in particular, 

“Are we filming a commercial or playing football?” It was the exact same voice that said to Sundance, “Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.”

Then Paul Newman gave me the universal signal for “Throw me the ball.” Which I did and he caught it. Then I gave him the sign for “Throw it back.” (We were about fifteen yards apart)

For a split second, I had a terrible thought: What if “Cool Hand” Luke and Butch Cassidy throws a football like a girl? This could scar me for the rest of my life. 

My worries were needless. Mr. Salad Dressing hummed a good spiral right to my chest. We threw it back and fourth about ten times. Then I shook his hand. (He does have a thin hand) 

So yes, I had a catch with Paul Newman. He was every inch as cool as one wants him to be.