Monday, June 25, 2018

Stop, drop, pop and top, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

63-year-old golfer, Greg Norman, is featured naked in the "ESPN Magazine" body-issue. Greg is featured on page 32. His testicles are on page 33.

Donald Trump insulted Jimmy Fallon on Twitter after Fallon said he regretted humanizing Trump when he messed up his hair. In addition, Trump thinks James Corden’s emotions were over-the-top in his Carpool Karaoke with Paul McCartney.

Donald Trump insulted Jimmy Fallon on Twitter after Fallon said he regretted humanizing Trump when he messed up his hair. Just in case you were worried Trump wasn’t using his time wisely.

The US’s relationship with Canada has never been worse. Today Melania was seen wearing a green jacket with the words “Canadian Bacon Sucks” on the back. 

63-year-old golfer, Greg Norman, is featured naked in the "ESPN Magazine" body-issue. This is the perfect magazine for guys who just don’t get to see enough naked old dudes at their gym.

Heather Locklear was arrested for attacking a cop and an EMT one week after a psyche evaluation. At this point, there is serious concern Heather might even be crazy by Hollywood standards. 

Heather Locklear was arrested after kicking first responders called to her house. On the scale of Hollywood mental health, Heather has been downgraded from "Olsen Twins Odd" to "Amanda Bynes Nuts."

Donald Trump insulted Jimmy Fallon on Twitter. Honestly, which one is harder to do, alienate Canada or insult Jimmy Fallon? It’s like getting in a fist-fight with a Walmart greeter.

Donald Trump insulted Jimmy Fallon on Twitter. It was just a question of time until these two crossed one another. Fallon is a particularly nasty character who once described a guest as, "Someone we love," instead of, "Someone we really, really love." 

Since you asked: 

Twice I have known people in the same narcissist/ megalomaniac stratosphere as Donald Trump, and there are striking similarities. A man and a woman.

The man was nicknamed “But enough about me, what do you think of me?” The man could not physically pass a mirror without admiring himself. If people were talking about something other than him, he would visibly pout. Witness how fast  Donald Trump can take any topic and make it about himself.

The other aspect of this kind of narcissism is that it is impossible to imagine the paranoia that comes from thinking everything in the world revolves around you. Let’s face it, we’re all self-centered, but the woman and man I knew took things into a psychotic realm.

As a result of that hard-to-imagine selfishness, to these narcissists, all other people break into two categories: one, those wonderful, insightful geniuses who rightfully worship them and, two, those evil, sinister sadists out to destroy their lives. 

When someone crosses over from one to two, as Jimmy Fallon just did for Trump, it is not pretty. Trump sees anyone who opposes him as an evil enemy. And any insult or transgression to get back at them is fair game. 

Astute ass-kissers can spot in Trump an opportunity to advance due to Trump’s intense love of getting his ass kissed. 

The great thing about the professional opportunist ass-kissers who surround Trump, like Anthony Scaramucci, Corey Lewendowski, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Hope Solo, Stephen Miller, Kellyanne Conway and Rudy Giuliani, is Trump will turn on them. 

And when that happens, it is wonderful. Nothing is better than seeing an ass-kisser get what they deserve.

Right, Chris Christie? 

Baja Bust 

Right around the time Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President -  and I, as a comedy writer, could not have been giddier with excitement - I met a retired Tijuana policeman at a party. (How he was able to retire at 45 with a horse ranch in San Diego I don’t think I want to know)

He told me he was a potential investor in Trump Baja condominium towers of 2006. Construction began right when the world economy was going south and Mexican violence was skyrocketing, so investors were bailing out.

Ivanka Trump arranged a series of cocktail parties all over San Diego to assure existing investors and to lure more. The retired Tijuana policeman said, at one of the parties at the San Diego Convention Center, Donald Trump assured everyone he was the project’s builder and would ensure the tower’s security with a private airport and a wall with machine gun turrets and a crack security force.

When investors still wavered, the retired Mexican cop told me Donald Trump personally assured that each investor’s money would be guaranteed by his, Donald Trump’s, own personal finances “to the penny.” He said Trump shook their hands on this promise.

This was a key time for Trump as his casino empire had just declared bankruptcy. His reputation was on the line for future projects with this Baja project. 

My party friend was still skeptical and pulled out. Almost nobody else did. 

Needless to say, Trump never built the airport or the wall. By 2009, the project was bankrupt and Trump pulled out saying he had only leased the use of his name to the project, he was not the builder and had no financial responsibility. 

Not one penny.

Trump said the Mexican government promised to build the wall and the airfield. The Mexican government said they never said that. 

Trump was sued by a majority of the investors and settled out of court. 

(My party friend speculated, given the background of some of the investors, had they not won the lawsuit, Trump would have likely been looking at a mob hit)

To be candid, this retired Tijuana cop guy seemed like sort of a slick con-artist, and I doubted the validity of Trump going from person to person lying to their faces and shaking their hands about backing their money with his own money.

I do not doubt it anymore. 

Even with the lawsuit, individual investors still lost hundreds of thousands and some even millions and Trump fought it with his lawyers the whole way. 

Many feel that is why Trump hates Mexico so much.