Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Judge Roy Bean: [Bean apologizes to the marshals' wives] I understand you have taken exception to my calling you whores. I'm sorry. I apologize. I ask you to note that I did not call you callous-ass strumpets, fornicatresses, or low-born gutter sluts. But I did say "whores." No escaping that. And for that slip of the tongue, I apologize. 

Kim Kardashian is defending her butt photos calling them an art project. Which reminds me, I need to get my “art” to a proctologist and get my “project” examined.

It is cold across the country. People are shaking like Bill Cosby’s publicist.

Kim Kardashian is defending her butt photos calling them an art project. That sound you hear is Pablo Picasso spinning in his grave.

Since you asked, Tiger style:

Tiger Woods lashed out at a “Golf Digest” fake interview by legendary sports writer, Dan Jenkins, calling it “below the belt.” Or as Jenkins calls Woods’s criticism, a dream-come-true publicity stunt for “Golf Digest”.
Tiger is right to be upset. Normally the only people allowed below Tiger’s belt are Waffle House waitresses. As all smart celebrities know, the best way to draw attention away from an obscure article is to angrily object to it in public.
Tiger is right to be upset with Dan Jenkins. However, Tiger should note that Jenkins did not call him a millionaire cheapskate, a Craigslist Hook-up, bimbo-slammer or a low-class golf cheater, but he did say some things that were below the belt.

Tiger - and his publicity-stunt "girlfriend" Lindsey Vonn  - said the Jenkins piece was not funny. When it comes to assessing humor, I have to go with the guy who wrote two of the funniest books I've ever read, "Dead Solid Perfect" and "Semi-Tough" over a guy who wins a tournament and then says, with a straight face, he did not have his A-game. 

Tiger Woods is to humor what Dr. William H. Cosby Jr. is to foreplay. 

Let's decide this by credibility. Look at all the people - besides Tiger - who have had an ugly public feud with Dan Jenkins?

Oh, right, that is nobody.

Well, Tiger has never had an ugly public feud or parting of the ways with Phil Mickelson and Sergio Garcia. Oh, right, yes he has. Tiger hasn't fired two caddies and three swing coaches who all went on to say horrible things about Tiger. Wait, that happened too. 

At least when Tiger comes to Torrey Pines, he doesn't leave a sea of people behind the scenes telling stories about what a jerk he is. Yes, yes he does. (He not only does not tip, he is a giant douche about it)

20-year-old Tiger walks into a Iowa riverboat casino. The pitt boss, like everyone else, knows he's Tiger Woods and thus is illegally underage. But he is a celebrity and he is bringing in business, so she lends a blind eye.  

When Tiger proceeded to get hammered and behave so badly and was rude to the waitresses and dealers and other gamblers, the pit boss had enough and asked to see his I.D. When Tiger hit her with "Do you know who I am?" She shot back; 

"I don't care if you're the Lion King, I need to see your I.D." 

Then she tossed him to cheers from the onlookers. 

There are lots of things about really rich folks I cannot understand. How is Natalie Maines, who insulted her country music audience repeatedly, how is she worth four times more than Jackson Browne? (He is listed at $10 million, she is listed at $40 million) 

How does an NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, who has made more than ten times the mistakes of his two predecessors, make $35 million a year and cheerleaders are paid $20 a game?

But what I really do not get is how Tiger Woods made $65 million in 2014. There is nobody I know who would buy a single thing endorsed by Tiger Woods. 

Will I watch Tiger on TV when he plays golf? Oh, hell yes I will. Will it be exciting if he wins another major? Yes it would. What would be even better than Tiger winning another major? If Tiger is leading a major and then chokes and loses. 

Previously there were only two golfers who were such awful people they were fun to cheer against, two-time-caught and known cheater, Vijay Singh, and world class sour-puss and whiner, Mrs. Doubtfire, i.e. Colin Montgomery.

Welcome to that group, Tiger Woods.