Sunday, October 05, 2014

“Jeopardy” had a category “What women want” that was considered sexist. And not to hit this too hard, but if there is one thing Alex Trebek does not know? It’s what a woman wants.

The singer, Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders” passed away. This was hard on Larry King, this is the second Paul Revere he’s lost.

Johnny Manziel said he is considering calling Jameis Winston to give him advice on how to handle the media. That’s like gasoline giving a bonfire advice on how to go out.

The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She is going to be appointed as the NFL's couple therapist. 

The voices in the Apple commercials for iPhone 6 are Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. Because, you know, they needed the gig.

My new HP sign: Hunter Pence is an unrepentant hipster.

Week five in the wild and whacky NFL  - where NFL stands for Nothing Figures Logically - teams have divided themselves into three categories: the good, the bad and the ugly.
The good are the Seahawks, Packers, Colts, Eagles, Broncos, Bengals, Lions, Cardinals and Chargers. And what do all of these teams have in common? You got it. A great quarterback with protection.
The Patriots, Saints, Bears, Vikings, Dolphins, have gone from good to bad. The Giants from bad to good. The Panthers can go from good to bad to good depending on how Cam Newton is feeling. The Cowboys have gone from ugly to good. Forty Niners from good to “What the hell?”

(This just in: The Patriots just destroyed the undefeated Bengals. This just proved this years NFL season is the equivelent of predicting when a zoo monkey will throw poop at the crowd) 

The Patriots are good again.
Raiders, Jets, Jaguars are plain, flat-out ugly. Rosie O'Donnell's crying-face ugly. Buffalo has moved from bad to good.. Like the Cowboys, the Browns and Buccaneers have shot two spots from ugly to good. Rams and Titans are bad, but not ugly.
Speaking of ugly, the latest trend in pro sports are big, bushy, long beards. In fact, I have not seen this many beards since the boy band One Direction took female dates to the Emmy Awards. (Parents explain this to your children)
Guys, like or not, pro athletes are Jocks who are close cousins to Bros. While some Bros have turned into pretentious Hipsters creating Brosters, Jocks cannot be Hipsters. Period. That is jumping two spots. Hipsters have long beards. Ergo, jocks have to lose the long beards.
The new skirts-on-the-receivers rules are not merely hurting the NFL's game. They have stripped the game nekkid and bent it over a log while banjo music is playing. 
Here is a fun, dirty little secret I have learned from following so many comedians on Twitter and Facebook. You know those real-life people in commercials and in talk show skits and remote pieces? The ones picked seemingly at random to answer a quiz or try a product or taste a food or beverage? They are all, every single one of them, professional comedians, comedy writers and actors.
From their studio apartments and or ranch houses in Echo Park, Toluca Lake, Studio City, Pasadena, Burbank and North Hollywood, these are people who make their living doing stand up, writing jokes, filming commercials or, usually, all three.
Picture Sarah Silverman and Seth Rogan only not famous. They are good looking, but not models, single, drive Prius’s, wear wool hats, are politically liberal, they have strong opinions on coffee, pasta and wine and they use locally grown, sustainable, organic and seasonal products when they cook. They eat a lot of kale and brown rice. Many are vegetarians who cheat with a steak now and again.
And they drink and smoke pot. A lot. And they detest cocaine. Unless somebody offers it to them. 
They range from doing extremely well – they own their own eco-friendly house with a pool in Laurel Canyon and they vacation in Kauai or Italy - to needing a second job waiting tables and they live with at least one roommate. They have a cat or a small dog or both. The cat is probably named Chloe or Joshua. The dog is a small female named Sasha. And they have at least one tattoo. And they have several gay friends, or several straight friends if they are gay.
One of the signs these comedian/actors have made it big? Instead of traveling from gigs by car, they are now flying back and forth from New York to Los Angeles. A sign they have made it really big? They fly first class or in a private jet.

And when they do make it big, they all lie about how great it was when they were poor.