Dear Stupid Jocks:

If athletes in the stratosphere of Tiger Woods, OJ Simpson, Barry Bonds, Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, Kobe Bryant, Ray Rice and Lance Armstrong can get caught lying about their offenses?

You will be caught too. This means you, Josh Shaw.

Apparently USC stands for Unbelievable Story Creator.

The “USC Football Players Are Not Morons” committee had no comment.

In Las Vegas, you can get 5-1 odds that on Sept. 6th, when USC plays Stanford, the Stanford band will be wearing water-wings and playing Tom Petty's "Free Falling." 

Yours,

Lex

P.S. Yes, all of them are Nike endorsed. 

P.P.S. Yes, Nike, like you, I am a whore who will do anything for money, I am just not a flaming hypocrite about it. So if you want to pay me to keep from pooping on your swoosh, the price is still $100,000.