Last time that bear ate a lawyer he had the runs for two weeks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yankee Alex Rodriguez furiously stormed out of an arbitration meeting; he wanted to slam the table with his fist, but, since it’s the fall, he swung three times and missed.

It is the 150^th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, but historians do not agree on which of five versions is correct. Personally, I think the shakiest version is the one that starts out; “Four score and seven years ago, for shizzle my bizzles.”

There is a viral video of 78-year-old golf legend, Chi Chi Rodriguez, hitting a ball off a sign that then hits him. Where did it hit him? Let’s just say it narrowly missed his Rodriguez, but it hit his Chi-Chi’s.

The Oxford Dictionary has named selfie the word-of-the-year edging out twerk; asked to comment, a USC English major responded; “OMG, it is like all totes amazeballs random how effed up the English language is, whatevs, LOL.”

If it was up to me, we take Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, and Miami Dolphin alleged bully, Richard Incognito, and throw them both in a closet with one deep-fried turkey leg; whoever comes out alive is in charge of Obamacare.

The latest Kanye West video features his naked wife, Kim Kardashian, on a motorcycle; I think the name of the song is: “Why Our Baby Will Have to be in Therapy For Life.”

Chris Brown – still on probation for brutally beating his ex-Rihanna – got kicked out of anger management rehab after he threw a rock through his mom’s car window. Call me crazy, but I am starting to think Chris has temper issues.

Final thoughts on JFK assassination

Regardless of political beliefs, you have to admit the Kennedys gave us, as a Nation, a huge source of pride. It was like having Brad and Angelina in the White House. The problem with the death of optimism is it can drive you crazy with “What if’s?”

The Civil rights advances under Johnson would probably have been Kennedy’s. With the bitter taste of the Bay of pigs still in his mouth, it is highly doubtful Kennedy could have done worse than Johnson in Vietnam. Nobody could do worse.

Forgot for now all the conspiracy theories, there is no doubt Oswald shot Kennedy. How could such a worthless, useless, pathetic piece of crap kill the most powerful man in the world?

Normally a strong dose of perspective is a good thing. Not in this case. For 50 years we have had a serious case of: if a loser like Oswald can kill a man like Kennedy, what is the point of anything?

When I told my 15-year-old daughter about my memories of Kennedy’s death, with my mom sobbing during the funeral, she said she had the same memory of September 11^th. She was also an upset toddler with her parents standing in front of the TV, hands over mouths uttering “Oh my god” over and over again.

Here's hoping her baby won’t have a similar memory.

And here is my final question: why won't history and Americans admit the truth that when Jackie saw Jack's gory head shot, she was trying to get the hell out of there?