Tuesday, September 25, 2012

It be smellin' like burritos all up in this beeeeeeyaaaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL substitute refs are blowing it so much they inspired Monica Lewinski to write a tell-all book on Bill Clinton.

Paris Hilton recorded in a cab saying gay men disgust her; gay men reply they wouldn't have sex with Paris Hilton if they used her dick. 

Gay Men on Paris Hilton: "Bitch, please. As if your Fraggle-hair and man-hands and Owen Wilson Penis Nose Starter Kit and Holland-Tunnel vagina does it for us."  

It is time to play:

 Four nattily attired gay men in a Soho loft watch the end of the Seattle Seahawks/Green Bay Packer debacle:

Tyler: "Did you see how he pushed that guy from behind? I haven't seen anyone pushed from behind like that . . . "

Lawrence: " . . . Since you were drunk at last call at Fire Island Saturday night."

Simon: "Seriously, I am gay. I mean one-in-each-ear gay. And I know that was an interception."  

Stephyn: "You're just mad because the team with the name you like the most lost, the Packers."

Tyler: "He thinks the first part of that should be Fudge...."

Lawrence: "And here I thought you like the Bears."

Tyler: "I like bears." 

Simon: "Where did they hire these replacement refs from? Blockbuster Video?" 

Stephyn: "This is the worst decision I have seen since since your S&M Cher Halloween costume."

Simon: "Oh, right, and your Submissive Dorothy and the Dominatrix Wicked Witch of the West was better?"

Tyler: "The Green Bay Packers just traveled 6,000 miles to get screwed. It was like my trip to Istanbul."

Since you asked: 
There are some mistakes that are so heinous, the stench of the splatter never really fully comes off. Tiger Woods's tacky affairs. The San Diego Padres Brown and Yellow uniforms. New Coke. Nike co-founder, Phil Knight's, decision to publicly support Joe Paterno. Mick Jagger pretending to be bi-sexual. Astroturf and the designated hitter.  "Caddy Shack II." Elton John marrying Kiki Dee. The alleged song, "Afternoon Delight"  and the rancid 70's perfume, Cachet.  

 That is the kind of mistake the NFL's decision to lockout the refs and hire division III replacements is. As great as the NFL is, these fiasco calls and ruined games will forever taint its image.   

How bad was the call last night? Chicago Bear fans feel sorry for the Green Bay Packers. 

Dogs sleeping with cats. Mass hysteria. 

Let's break this down. The NFL is our most beloved sport. We love  our "National Pastime," but the NFL is our first love.

The NFL is now being officiated by Division III college refs. Division III college is about the same level of play as the top division in a big high school in a big state, which I played. 

Many of our games were refereed by one of my old elementary school gym teachers, Aldo Felderman, a fat, short, ugly, stupid guy with a bad combover. This was a guy so inept, if he had his polyester shorts with cuffs zipper zipped 50% of the time, he was doing pretty well.

Guys like him are in charge of our true love, the NFL. 

In other news:

Just saw a commercial that started with:

"If you use a catheter, I have some good news."

You know what? No you don't. The only good news for someone who has to use a catheter is: 

"You don't have to use a catheter anymore."

Other than that it is barely mildly interesting news.