Wednesday, February 13, 2002

You’ll have to excuse me, Torn Whores and Nugget Ranchers, I am a little tired today. Watching that Olympic curling last night wore me out. Man, could you believe how that one guy could sweep? If I had a vacuum, maybe I could keep up, but this guy just had a broom! I got it on tape.

It was a tough choice last night. Curling was on television at the same time as this really wild Life Insurance Infomercial. I had to flip a coin. And I thought the Chicago Bears had a boring offense . . .

Speaking of flesh eating lunatics, the state of Georgia has granted Mike Tyson a boxing license. There are certain stipulations to which Tyson will have to adhere. For example, in Georgia it is legal to bite someone, but only if they are a relative.

Some guys have all the luck: Apparently, while in jail, American Taliaban Johnny Walker Lindh has been the object of a lot of correspondence from women. Well, sure, that makes sense. Women dig these guys, you can’t spell Taliban without the words Nab Tail.

Did you see the poodle that won “Best in Show” at the Westminster dog show? That thing looks like an experiment to clone a dog with cotton candy gone horribly wrong. The name of the poodle that won Best in Show at the Westminster dog show is named Surrey Spice Girl. The difference, of course, between the poodle and the Spice Girls is talent. The dog has some. But seriously, folks,do you know the difference between the poodle and the Spice Girls? The poodle has a career. Badabing. Tip your cocktail waitresses, I'll be here all week . . .

Speaking of drunken idiots, most everyone – except the idiot judges – agreed the Canadian pairs figure skating team was robbed of a gold medal. Now they are investigating the French and Russian judges. Rumor has it they were in cahoots to try and help each other to score booze in Utah. Have you ever tried to buy booze in Utah? It's a little easier to get than plutonium. Folks, I have been to Utah. These are not generally attractive folks. The fact that they are able to reproduce without alcohol is one of the mysteries of our time.

But I have to hand it to the folks of Utah, they are doing a great job with the Olympics. They have been really fun. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; having the Olympics in Utah is almost like having it right here in the good ol' United States.