Thursday, September 24, 2015

It is officially Fall. You can tell it’s fall, in New York City, the Pizza Rat dragged a fresh piece of pumpkin pie down the stairs.

Donald Trump is jealous of the attention the Pope is getting. Trump pointed to the white Zuchetto beanie the Pope wears and said; “You think my hairpiece is bad?”

Tonight the 0-2 New York Giants face the 1-1 Washington Redskins. This is a big game for the Giants. Eli Manning had to put off filming two commercials this week.

The bubble wrap they now make will no longer pop when you squeeze it. As a married man, can I just ask: did you have to take away my last pleasure?

Did you see speaker, John Boehner, crying next to Pope Francis? When the Pope left, he had orange tear-stains on his white cloak.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign vowed Hillary will be more hip and funny. Tomorrow Hillary will post a spemoji-mime on Tweeterbook and Pinstagram. It will go virile.

At the White House, Pope Francis met the two first dogs, Bo and Sunny. It was awkward. When the Pope asked if the dogs were neutered, Obama said, “Yes, it’s so depressing to think they’ll never have sex ever again. Oh . . . sorry.”

A single-engine plane landed in a street in Orange County. And yet a Prius driver still managed to cut it off.

On Saturday in Philadelphia, Pope Francis will attend an event hosted by Mark Wahlberg. The truth is the Pope used Wahlberg as an excuse to meet Ted.