Friday, March 25, 2005

Where you at and why ain’t at where I at, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Bee afraid, bee very afraid
A swarm of bees caused the cancellation of a Colorado Rockies, Arizona Diamondback spring training game. It was serious, after the game, five players tested positive for pollen.

One player thought he got a really bad sting right on his buttocks. Turned out it was just Jose
Canseco injecting him with steroids.

It was wild, after the bees stung the baseball players, the bees grew ten times their normal size from all of the steroids.

Get the rim shots ready
A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili. And I thought the customer was supposed to leave a tip?

The diner was furious. She ordered the beef stew.

“Hey waiter. What’s this finger doing in my chili?” “My guess would be flipping you off for your lousy tips.”

What did the hack comedian say afterwards? "I'll be here all week, try the thumb."

That should do it
A Texas legislator wants "sexually suggestive" high school cheerleader routines banned. To remove any hint of sexuality, he wants the cheerleaders dressed like a female gym teacher.

Anna we hardly knew yee
Former tennis babe Anna Kournakova is going to be a guest host on “The View.” You thought Anna couldn’t get her serve in? Wait until she tries to get a word in on “The View.”

Anna won’t actually do anything on “The View”, she’ll just sit there and look pretty. Just like she did in tennis.

(Shouting) I said, stay with me, stay with me, for tonight you better stay with me
60-year-old Rod Stewart married a 34 year girl. It was a very touching ceremony, they wrote their own vows on parchment. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass Stewart used to read it caused the vows to burst into flames.

How old was it?
They found soft tissue on a 70-million-year-old T-Rex. That’s amazing when you consider they can’t find any soft tissue on Cher or Joan Rivers.

Now that’s bad
At the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital. Man, Michael has to be pretty damn guilty and disgusting to make even an attorney sick.

Tough act to follow
The Village People announced they want to make their image less gay. That shouldn’t be tough, now, if they wanted their image to be more gay, that would be impossible.

Since you asked:
In one of those insipid men’s health magazines (like “Men’s Health” for example) I saw an article on a fitness test, right after it’s 5,721st article in a row on how to get ripped abs. (Diet and sit ups? Who knew?)

Anyway, the test claimed that one of the most reliable signs of fitness is the one minute test. You take your resting heart rate and then how high you can get your heart rate in under a minute of rather vigorous exercise and see what the spread is. 50 is OK. (If a person is out of shape, their resting rate is high and your maximum heart rate is low, that’s why they get exhausted so fast)

Mine? (teeth-suck, sniff, groan, dissolve into chortle of smugness) 90. 55 to 145. Oh yeah, baby, I’m thinking I’m pretty hot stuff, right? Nearly doubled the OK, is what I up and done. I'm bad.

You know what Lance Armstrong’s one minute test is? 182. Holy crap. The man’s resting heart rate is 38 and he can get to 220 in just under a minute. That isn’t a heart, that is a Ferrari engine. Explains why Sherryl Crowe is looking so fit these days. Poor thing. Lance must ride her like the Alps. (OK, Lex, simmer down, big guy)

While we are on the subject:
Funny thing. You know how I was whining about not having one of those corny sitcom, buzzed up, A-game, high-five-all-around days? Kind of had one yesterday, thanks for asking. It’s amazing what a good workout, a great dinner, Louisville beating the grits out of Washington and a long awaited over-due check can due for a guy’s attitude.

Ala Emeril, marinated the flank (you’re welcome) steak in 1 cup red wine, ½ cup soy, ¼ cup packed brown sugar (cue: Rolling Stones) two tablespoons each of crushed garlic and tomato paste, one tablespoon each of Lowry’s seasoning, paprika, pepper, wisk and then marinate the flank (you're welcome) steak for six hours. (More would be better)

Take the marinade, boil hard and then simmer slowly to reduce and use it as a steak sauce. Oh . . . my . . . goodness. As Judge Schmales from “Caddy Shack” would say; “Top notch, top notch.”

Comedy writers and dyslexics, untie
Was exchanging “smart-ass comments when we were kids in church” tales with one of my comedy writing buddies, Janice Hough. She had a good line:

“Good Friday? What’s so good about it?”

Mine? (I knew you would ask) During my first communion the minister told me that; “This bread and wine are the body and blood of Christ.”

When I got back to my seat, my parents asked how it went. My reply?

“It didn’t taste bad considering what he said it was.”

My Mom and Dad, bless their hearts, didn’t stop laughing the entire rest of the service. Lord help me, I’ve been an irreverent smart ass my entire life.