Wednesday, March 23, 2005

We done up and got us our silly on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hey, Michael . . .
It’s looking more and more as if Michael Jackson is going to be acquitted. When asked what he is going to do if acquitted, Jackson said; “I’m going to Disneyland.”

To sleep per chance to dream . . .
The conditions of Martha Stewart’s house arrest is that she gets 48 hours a week to leave the house. Or as married guys call that: The impossible dream.

Of human Bond-age
Barry Bonds told the media; "You wanted to bring me down. You have finally brought me and my family down. So now go pick a different person." Barry Bonds blaming the media for his problems is like Michael Jackson blaming his problems on tattle tales.

Apparently Bonds was channeling Richard Nixon.

We got that already, already, already
NASA said they have a way to make urine and sweat drinkable. Well, duh, we already have that, it’s called Lucky Lager Beer.

Dumb consumers
Adidas has made what they call a smart shoe for $250. See, how the smart shoe works is if you pay $250 for a pair of sneakers, you’re not smart.

These $250 Adidas smart shoes are big with kids. These shoes are so smart that they write their own note to get you out of gym class.

It was kind of embarrassing when Adidas sent President Bush a pair of their $250 smart shoes to try. Bush couldn’t figure out how to put them on.

The following joke was written by the result of a Stanford education and it shows. Good one Janice Hough.

Two women have proposed marriage to Scott Peterson. I guess they feel sorry for him being a widower and all.

Say it ain’t so
Legal experts say the Michael Jackson trial could be over in a couple weeks. In a related story, I will then be under medically supervised suicide watch.

Maybe not a good idea
The big rumor is that, if acquitted, Michael Jackson will get a huge deal to perform in Las Vegas. Is that a good idea putting Michael Jackson in a place with a motto of “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas”?

Did you see the interview of Robert Blake? It was really odd. He demanded that Chris Rock apologize to Sean Penn about the Jude Law jokes.

Rare indeed
At Lost Creek Farm in Kentucky, a white stallion was born for only the thirtieth time in over one hundred years. To show you how rare it is, there hasn’t been a stallion born this white since, well, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Do you know what the birth of a white stallion means? Michael Jackson is having sex with horses.

Jesse Jackson taking time out from shaking down corporate America
Did you know that Michael Jackson prays everyday with Jesse Jackson over the phone? Jesse even has his own prayer poem for Michael: “Dear God, give my brother Michael the strength not to have sex with those shorter than him in length.”

Ah, that time of year
Can you believe baseball is just two weeks away? Don’t you love the sounds of spring baseball: the crack of the bat, the cheers of the crowd, the flushing of the syringes . . .

That’s weird
I’ve heard so much about Michael Jackson’s disgusting sounding Jesus Juice – wine and coke – that I finally decided to try it. It’s not that bad, but it was really weird, for some reason, after I had the Jesus Juice, my pajamas kept falling off.

Enough is enough
Not to be insensitive, but, truthfully, if I have to keep hearing about the Terri Schaivo case in the news, I’m going to ask a judge to remove my feeding tube.

I’ve got the solution. Forget the feeding tube issue, just make Terri Schaivo listen to all the news reports about Terri Schaivo and she’ll die naturally of boredom.

Since you asked:
You know that great wildly buzzed feeling when your A-game is dead on and your whole life just feels like a really corny sitcom bordering on a sappy musical where the birds chirp, everybody smiles and high fives you as you glide and saunter through your glorious day?

Not having a day anything like that. My day feels more like something out of a Cohen brothers movie.

I’d like to introduce you to a new feature here at A.l.b.B. called:

Lex has a new game:

A friend of mine and I have a new game we play while we wait to pick up our kids at school. She, Renee, is a big time, very busy, real estate agent in town – she also won the women’s Iron Man in Hawaii one year in the Eighties- so, to say the least, she is very much a hard charger and knows everybody. She also has a great sense of humor. She asks me about jokes, I ask her about training tips. It’s fun to talk to her.

But I began to notice that we could not finish a conversation of any length without an overly intense, real estate obsessed mom interrupting us. One time I actually asked the offending mom; “I’m sorry, did our conversation interrupt you?” She said no with a straight face and kept on asking Rene questions about their house’s appreciation .

Now we try and guess how long it will be before we are interrupted. The record? Guess. No, really, guess. Four seconds. We are going to try and beat that today but we don’t know if we can. Hey, when life gives you lemons, make fun of rude, obnoxious, annoying rapidly aging yuppies.

That’s my motto.

(I know what you're going to say, Mark O'Snake, but sometimes I have to vent)