Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dropping the Devil
After all losing seasons as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, they dropped the Devil and now they are in the World Series. How come dropping the Devil didn’t work for the San Francisco Giants? They dumped Barry Bonds.

After all losing seasons as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, they dropped the Devil and now they are in the World Series. This just in: the Chicago Cubs have announced they are now called the Chicago Devil Cubs until the start of next season when they will drop the Devil.

A Gambian woman gave birth to a baby while at JFK Airport in New York. It was awkward, when her water broke, security arrested her for trying to sneak more than 3 ounces of fluid on a plane.

It was awkward, when informed a Gambian woman gave birth at JFK, President Bush said “Heck, all pregnant women have big gambias.”

“Today” featured a segment on celebrity’s nicknames. Giada De Laurentis was “G”, Tom Cruise allegedly calls Katie Holmes “K-Bear” and, this is cute, Guy Ritchie calls Madonna “That skanky tramp who whores around with Alex Rodriguez.”

Since you asked:

Sleep fascinates me, it always has. Everything is cuter when it’s asleep. Even Donald Trump. Hell, even that thing on Trump’s head is cute when it’s asleep. And when they wake up, people – and our dogs -are all nappy-headed and groggy. It’s funny.

Dreams are wild because it combines so many things; your emotions, your memory, your creativity, your fitness, your health, and – not to sound like a California avocado head – but also possibly some spiritual influences we can’t define. Many, many whacky people feel they have contacted departed loved ones in their dreams. And I am one of them.

It seems to me the strength of the dream depends on how soundly you are asleep; the deeper the sleep the more realistic the dream. When you first lie down, you are in control of your thoughts and then you slowly start to lose control until the dream takes over. As you become more and more rested, your consciousness starts to regain control again. When you are almost awake is when you can decide to alter what is happening in the dream. When I finally wake up I dream that I hear a phone ring or somebody call my name.

Sometimes I listen to my iPod to fall asleep and, when I do fall asleep, the songs influence my dreams. This explains that nightmare I had about two muskrats going at it. (Just kidding. Like I would have “Muskrat Love” on my iPod . . I don’t . . . really . . . OK, I do but I got it as a goof)

Another feature of the dream is the “Apocalypse Now” aspect of going out on a voyage or journey and then coming back. My dreams have different settings – almost like movie sets - and none of them are like they are in real life. My Santa Barbara has a wild west Bohemian section of town on a hill that doesn’t exist and a funkier Mediterranean-like coastline. My hometown of Winnetka is like a peninsula train track set that goes from my house to my high school and back with inserts of friends houses randomly stuck in along the way.

The process of dreaming goes something like this:

“Oh boy, I am tired. This feels good. Man, I had a good day. That movie was weird though. Jeeze, how many movies is Ben Stiller in anyway? He is funny but he is kind of built like a chimpanzee. Chimps are funny. Heh. Chimp. Even the name. Chimp. It’s like chump. Chimp, chimp, chimp . . . Hey, what’s a chimp doing in my kitchen? Ben Stiller, did you bring a chimp into my kitchen? Oh, the dogs aren’t going to like this . . .”

And you are off and running in dreamland.